Bad reactions to online dating…and how to overcome them

Hi Bloggers!  Hope you all had a great weekend…can’t believe how quickly time flys by.  I feel the older I get, the faster the time goes.  Coincidentally, the amounts of ailments I have also increase…(I speak of food allergies, wrinkes, and of course fat in all the wrong places).

A poster for Team Conan, created during the To...

A poster for Team Conan, created during the Tonight Show controversy of 2010 and depicting Conan O’Brien in greyscale with orange (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let me bring up what I’ve been hearing from many who have tried online dating including myself…and that is the utter, gut wrenching disappointment.  Don’t worry, this is a completely normal human emotion that is common to the online daters of the world.  It is only possible in the online dating arena that a person can elicit feelings of embarrassment, disappointment, rejection, appall, surprise, shock, and annoyance in a short amount of time.  This of course leads us to question why we are even online…much less paying a monthly membership fee.

I’ll take you through the (normal), feelings of despair below and explain why you have to overcome them:

Bad feelings:

  1. Embarrassment:  Yes, you have to post your face on the worldwide web.  This is how you meet people that are also posting their face online.  If it makes you feel better, imagine the world is a giant singles bar and you are innocently going out for a drink (or a non alcoholic beverage if you don’t drink).  It is only in your head that all will recognize you as you walk the streets.  In reality, if anyone recognizes you, it will be less than a handful of people and that is only because they too are at the same bar
  2. Disappointment:  You would think that with millions of singles in your chosen 50mile radius, there would be more attractive people.  Unfortunately, there are not… or the attractive people have chosen unattractive pictures and scary profile names deeming them a loser (note, as I’m on looking for a perfect example of a cheesy name to use, I stumbled upon a guy who posted what looks to be a close up shot of his high school graduation … I don’t get it), his user name is pretty generic though.  If you are serious about online dating, you really have to weed through all profiles to find a good match.  This requires a lot of work and necessary “man hours”.  You don’t have to read every single word that you see in a profile, just scan through them.  After the first few lines or so, you can usually sense “crazy”.  If you do, no need to continue reading (unless you want to giggle).  Move on, then when you find a gem, save him/her to your favorites list (tool most sites provide).  You literally press a button on the guys/girls profile that say “save to favorites”
  3. Rejection:  Why are the people I “winked” at/sent an email to not responding?  Many many reasons.  Maybe they only like people who are in the circus, maybe they are married and only like to scout, maybe the “guy” you thought you were reaching out to is really a bored old lady (who happens to love online dating profiles??  I know, it’s a reach cause I had a brain freeze and couldn’t think of anything else).  After creating my “favorites pile” of the creme dela creme of guys I wanted to meet, I had around 50 profiles. I went down the list and “winked” at all of them at once.  Remember, you are in a giant bar and you just made eye contact (ie wink).  Out of those 50 guys, only a handful or so winked/emailed back.  What?!  How is this possible?  I’m a gorgeous supermodel with the brain of a scientist and the wit of Conan O’Brian (I would tell myself).  How can no one want me?  The reasons are endless, but you have to get over them otherwise you’ll wind up back where you started (but much angrier)
  4. Appalled:  I tend to attract crazy people…even to this day.  Why, who knows.  Maybe its my giant hair that lures them in like mosquitoes to a lamp.  Online, I not only attracted the crazies, I also attracted the unnattractive grandfathers of the world.  They would love to send me their declarations of love.  So on top of feeling dissappointed because the guys I liked didn’t respond, I was further frustrated because the ones I didn’t, would.  I started feeling less than my amazing self
  5. Surprised/shocked/annoyed:  When connections did happen from online to the real world, I was in disbelief meeting some of these guys.  Many, if not most (at least the guys I met), would post old photos of themselves when they were in the prime of their lives.  When meeting them in person, they looked like their own bad version.  I felt deceived and annoyed wasting my time with a liar.  I will never understand why people post things that are untrue about them.  Do they think that when they meet a person, that person will not realize they are shorter and wider than what they portrayed?  This also holds true personality wise.  After having great email/phone correspondence before meets, my dates went mute in person.  Going on a bunch of bad dates is normal.  Its life, you just have to move on and not go on any second dates with these guys

If you read and absorb nothing else, remember this, it’s a numbers game.

You have to be in it to win it…sounds offensive but it’s true.  Note: this does not mean you have to sleep with a mass amount of people (I was thinking more dinner/coffee/ that sort of thing) …however if you do, that’s your business, just keep it safe so you don’t single handedly start a new epidemic.

The above are the main annoyances of the online dating world (with I’m sure many in between).  But once you get past all that and keep dating, you could be:

  • Wonderfully surprised… and who knows where that can lead in the future

What are some of the disappointments you felt online dating?  How about any success stories?


4 responses to “Bad reactions to online dating…and how to overcome them

  1. Great and helpful post!

  2. A few musings:

    1) I find that people put too much merit in meeting someone in real life. If you meet a good partner online or in a bar or through friends, s/he is still a good partner. Meeting someone the old fashioned way isn’t somehow better. For whatever reason, people like to romanticize past courtship rituals, but really, I don’t think marriages in the pre-digital age or pre-sexual revolution are any better; in fact, I would venture that they were worse.

    2) Men are SO BAD at ascertaining what is an attractive photo of themselves. While I think women are socialized to constantly analyze and overanalyze our appearance, men aren’t, so they tend to be clueless as to what is an attractive shot. For me, it takes a lot of scrutiny of all photos to estimate whether a dude is secretly attractive. I feel like I have been equally surprised and disappointed when meeting men online–some are more attractive, some are less.

    3) I think many women become overly disillusioned by the number of bullshit messages they receive from completely inappropriate men. They read way too much into it instead of just ignoring it. These dudes are not a barometer of your attractiveness or date-ability. They are not an accurate depiction of your actual dating microcosm.

    4) My best advice is to be picky about reasonable things (education, attractiveness, intellectual interests) but let little things go. And then meet ASAP. Do not waste time with emailing. Lengthy email exchanges create a false sense of intimacy and when you meet in real life, the intimacy vanishes–or worse, you feel cheated. Instead, don’t allow yourself to form a romanticized internet persona of this person. Just meet him.

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