Shadowy world of exes: What’s with the ex on ex “friendship”? Part I


“He’s dating who?”… (nice, very nice..-evil grin-)  Wiki pic

Hello there!  I know I’m probably gonna get a lot of heat for this, but today’s blog topic is going to be… What’s with the ex on ex “friendship“?  About half of my girlfriends (and some family members), cannot cut the proverbial relationship cord.

When a relationship ends, it’s usually difficult for at least one party.  That person probably still harbors feelings for the other, or… wishes them bodily harm.  Either way, relationships end for a reason.  Yes, I am sure there are those of you who are very mature, “grew apart”, and parted amicably, but in all honesty… I don’t understand you.

Maybe it’s because I’m a grumpy 95 year old woman at heart who never uttered the words “let’s be friends” and meant it.  Or maybe it has to do with the fact that none of my past relationships ended on friendly terms.  There was a lot of cursing, slamming phones and car doors (usually not at the same time), and there was also the time I ran over someone’s bare foot… which was in the way of my cars front tire.

Anywho, even though I would never rekindle a past relationship with an old flame, I still would never want to hear about their positive dating escapades.  The only thing I would want to hear … after wishing my ex “the best” of course, are negative dating escapades.  Something like, “He is dating Sasquatch“.  This information will be passed through a friend of a friends cousin because what do I care who my ex is dating, and will bring me oodles of joy.

Real friend’s wouldn’t want to hear that their buddy is dating Sasquatch.  They would only want them to date supermodels that are part of Mensa and not as hairy (at least that’s what I wish for my close friends).

So those of you that are still friend’s with your ex, I feel it’s because you have an ulterior motive.  It could be, you are secretly still in love and trying to get them back or maybe you are keeping them on the back burner in case no one better comes along.  Please keep in mind I am not talking about couples who have children with one another.  I think parents should at the very least stay civil for their children’s sake (if possible that is… other times it’s best to run, run far away, but that’s another story).

If you are still on friendly terms with an ex… why?:

  1. Do you really wish they find love with someone other than an unseen, yet frequently photographed wilderwoman?
  2. Do you wish them to fall in love, have babies, and roll naked in lots and lots of money without you?  I just don’t get it.
  3. Don’t you think it’s more difficult for them (and you), to move on with your love lives and find another great somebody?  It’s like mentally cheating if you are still friends.
  4. What would your new hubby think?
  5. Is new hubby ok with the friendly ex situation?
  6. How would you feel if they had a similar situation?
  7. What do you tell your ex, who is also your friend, if you have a date?
  8. Do you lie and say you are going out with “the girls” or do you tell them about the date?
  9. Are you perfectly honest and ask them for dating advise?
  10. Does your ex give you dating tips?
  11. Do you get mad at them for those dating tips and remember why you broke up in the first place?
  12. Is your ex now your bedroom buddy?
  13. Do you confront your ex if you see them on the same online dating site you are on?
  14. Do you “wink” at each other through that site?
  15. What if the online dating site says you are both 100% compatible?
  16. Do you reassess and do what the complicated love machine with genius like algorithms tells you to do?

Help me understand.

Note this is part I, part II will delve further into the shadowy world of exes.

Who out there has a friendly relationship with their ex?  Do either of you have ulterior motives?  Or do you truly wish each other the best?  Who is as stumped by the friendly ex relationship as much as I am?  Can anyone answer any of the above questions?

Would love to hear from you!


17 responses to “Shadowy world of exes: What’s with the ex on ex “friendship”? Part I

  1. I am completely stumped by the post-relationship relationship with the ex too! It’s not good for either party and it’s just dragging out the inevitable. Knowing you’ll probably never speak/ hangout with the other person is a BITCH but at least it’s the final truth (for want of a less dramatic sounding phrase!).

  2. I tried to be friends with my ex. We parted “amicably,” but then he turned into a douche who would say that he was there for me and then was nowhere to be found. I think I wanted to stay friends because he was such a huge part of my life, and I didn’t know what my life was without him in it. Turns out, it’s a hell of a lot better. Doesn’t mean I’m not a teensy bit bitter that he found love and got married while I’m still single. He invited me to his wedding (partly because we have so many friends in common.) Tiny part of me wishes that his balls had shriveled up when we broke up.

  3. I agree with the author. When I broke up with my ex (we had been together for years), I broke up with him for a reason. A few months after the breakup, he texted me and asked if we could still be friends. I told him I wasn’t interested.

    I could see if you went on a few dates with someone and decided to be friends instead of making a romantic commitment. That makes sense. I’ve done that a few times, and it’s fine because there was no emotional investment in the first place. But once you’ve spent a few months or more dating someone exclusively, I don’t see friendship in your future.

    Love is like a bandaid that, when you rip it off, it takes skin with it. Pardon my gross comparison.

  4. I agree with you all. I did try once to stay “friends” with an ex. We were both living in different cities so encounters were unlikely. Still, eventually, the ackwardness of the situation took over and I cut all ties. He wanted to get back together and was not taking no for an answer. I will never do so again, one stalker in one’s life is enough.

    But I do have friends that were together for more than 10 years and are friends, hang out, go to shows together with their new partners. I suspect one of them still have feeling but the other, I know for a fact does not… Still I don’t understand their relationship now… but if it works for both of them, it makes my life easier as I am friends with both.

    • it’s great you dont have to choose sides… thats another thing that usually happens in relationships that end… mutual friends are unwillingly put in awkward situations!

  5. I love, love, love, love, LOVE this entry. I completely agree!!! I mean, I DO understand that there are specific circumstances where maybe people do/can stay friends, but for 99.9% of people, this “ex-friendship” idea should not hold true. Good post!!

  6. Pingback: Shadowy world of exes: Why an ex should remain an “ex” Part II | How to Online Date

  7. The only time exes can be friends is if:
    1) the breakup was mutual
    2) both people have moved on — happily
    3) both new partners are cool w/ the friendship.
    Otherwise, someone wants to sleep w/ someone else or get back together, it causes stress in the new relationship, blah blah…. It’s not usually pretty & rarely works.

  8. A bubble of snapshots of my life.

    Hard to read, but so so so true! A post to keep in mind!

  9. katrillesmanydalliances

    I am still friends with most of my exes. Sometimes, as you can and will see in my blog it gets complicated, sometimes there are ulterior motives, and on rare occasion, it simply isn’t possible. BUT I have few exes who are very very good friends. One I dated for three and a half years and I know, would have married me if I had let him. Looking back, it is more a testament to his character that we are still friends. It has been more than four years now, but it took him a good two years before we were safe from interfering romantic feelings or ideas of getting back together.

    It was well worth it. I love him dearly. The boy has a soul of pure gold and I harbor murderous thoughts for anyone who would hurt him (like one of his evil ex’s who broke his heart). We think the world of each other and give each other a lot of credit for who we have become today. We have told each other the ups and downs of our relationships, commiserated and supported each other. Now he is with a girl who makes him very happy. I haven’t met her yet, but I can see it when he talks about her. I am satisfied, it sounds like she treats him right. He is going to ask her to marry him and I am invited to the wedding. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

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