Hola! Last night, I started reminiscing about my time in corporate America (probably because I haven’t been inside a grey felt cubicle for some time now). I started feeling nostalgic over the team work pods, 2pm snacks, mundane meetings, the supervisor with gnarly breath, and of course… the resident office hoochie. Today’s blog post will be on “her” and why you should never, ever, be that girl.
Once upon a time in midtown Manhattan, I was young and spry. Plus I worked in advertising. Imagine a modern day Mad Men with denim and guitar hero, and without ashtrays on our desks. Now this wasn’t just any advertising, but online advertising. This meant everyone in the office was about 20 something years old…except for the group partners. They were long in the tooth at 30 something years old.
Because we were young and in the ad world, we had plenty of rep parties in between excel sheet nightmares. Sometimes these parties were after work, and sometimes they were during. It was not uncommon for people to be drinking a beer, write a quarterly report, and eat a cupcake in their work pod…all simultaneously.
At the time, one of my good guy friends happened to be working there. We would chat it up daily during these office parties. One day he told me there was this “girl” he just met that invited him out to an office happy hour.
Reluctantly, he met her. I say reluctantly because my guy friend was into girls who looked like Barbie and this “girl” looked anything but. He just wanted a new friend. Turns out this girl had a plan. Get my buddy wasted and make out with him. Her plan worked perfectly.
After telling me his shame, lo and behold, said make-out buddy appeared. I couldn’t believe buddy was referring to her. It was our resident office hoochie and buddy was one of her victims.
You know the type, the overly chatty girl with an MO. She would stalk newbie guys in the office, invite them to happy hour (knowing very well they were at a vulnerable stage and wanted to “make new friends”), get them loaded, and make out with them shamelessly. She would then cling to them like lint on a sweater until they wised up and ran for the hills… only to have the cycle repeat itself with another unsuspecting new hire.
Normally, I would feel bad for this type of girl, but she never seemed to learn from her mistakes. Plus she gave me death stares all day long. Plus she smelled a little.
So I did the only thing I could do, talk and giggle about her slutty, smelly ways (behind her back), and playfully hold my buddy’s arm when she was in our line of vision.
Reasons why you should never be the office hoochie:
- No one respects you
- The reason people go silent when you walk by is because they were all talking about you
- Your walk of shame will not be brief. It will be Mon-Fri, during work hours
- Running after guys causes you to perspire and makes you smelly
- You don’t want to alienate all the girls in the office
- Being the butt of a joke can get get to you after a while
Go online dating immediately and stop attacking the new guys.
And if you’re still on the fence: Before there was online dating, there was… the office romance
Anyone out there have a similar story? Was there ever an office hoochie intervention?
Would love to hear from you!
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